


California Charlie

by zillanewt (gothwoozi)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Dennis is a creep, Gay scientist man scared and uncomfortable, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia References, M/M, Mac is insulted gay scientist man isn't attracted to him, The waitress horny for gay scientist man, animals are dead, dont like dont read, honestly just shit posting, kinda serious in the beginning, the gang does shitty things like usual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:55:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23404873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothwoozi/pseuds/zillanewt
Summary: The PPDC decide to drop Newt off in another dimension while they try to figure out how to fight the precursors. Now, the gang has a cool shiny new Charlie to babysit.
Relationships: Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb
Comments: 64
Kudos: 90





	1. The Gang Gets A New Charlie

**Author's Note:**

> The world is burning, and like most people, I've decided to take up a hobby. Unlike most people, I'm not baking bread. I'm shitposting.

“No. Absolutely not,” Marshal Raleigh Becket deadpans. 

“Please, Marshal,” Hermann Gottlieb pleads. “Please, hear me out. I’ve run all the equations and reverse-engineered the technology. I believe we can save him.”

“With all due respect, Dr. Gottlieb, he killed my wife,” Raleigh states coldy, walking away from the other. He has more important matters to tend to. He needs to get the Pan Pacific Defense Corps in working order, since they are expecting kaiju attacks to increase by 200% in the next year (Dr. Gottlieb’s own statistical analysis). 

Hermann grabs Raleigh by the arm, forcing him to stop. When the former Jaeger Pilot glares at him, Hermann doesn’t back down, even though he’s no physical match. Because, Newt would do the same for him, if the roles were reversed.

“You  _ know _ that wasn’t him,” Hermann retorts as coldly as Marshal Becket had been treating him, since he decided to dedicate PPDC resources to recovering Newt. “It was those  _ things.  _ He has sacrificed as much for this program as the pilots have. Dr. Geiszler has been living in years in torment, because he performed a dangerous experiment to protect this world. Should he suffer for it?”

Raleigh chews on the inside of his cheek, considering the proposition. 

“Fine, but if he goes rogue, the PPDC will be forced to play their hand.”

Hermann shudders to think what that could mean.

  
  
  


“It is March 28, 2036,” Hermann speaks into the audio recorder pinned to his cardigan, as he walks down the hallway of the PPDC Hong Kong Prison. “Today, we proceed with Operation Trans-Universal. I have reverse-engineered the dimensional portal that kaijus use to come to Earth. After running a series of tests, we discovered that we are able to travel to alternate universes. By sending our test subject, Dr. Newton Geiszler, to one of these universes, we hope to significantly weaken his connection to the precursors. While Dr. Geiszler is gone, we shall attempt to destroy the connection between Earth and the precursors and free Dr. Geiszler from their control.”

When he reaches Newt’s cell, he notices the pale and weak complexion of the other. It contrasts deeply to the skinny jeans and leather jacket that the guards have allowed him to change into. Hermann figures he must have spent the last couple of days fighting off the precursors. It makes his heart ache. 

“Are you ready, Newton?”

The other grins widely, and it’s the first time Hermann has seen joy on his face since he was instituted. 

“I was born ready, Herms,” he beams. “And, don’t call me Newton. Only my mother calls-”

“Me newton,” Hermann finishes the other’s sentence, grinning softly. “I know, Newt.”

God, he hopes this works.

  
  
  


“So, where are you sending me to?” Newt asks as guards escort them down the hall to the control room. 

“Well, there were several options,” Hermann claims, reading his notes with his small reading glasses on a chain. Newt thinks it’s incredibly cute. “In one universe, you are an actor, but I think the logistics of that would become messy. In another one, you’re a dental assistant, but your boss extorts you for sex, so I’d rather not send you there.”

“Awh, you do care,” Newt coos.

Hermann rolls his eyes. “We’re sending you to,” he squints at his notes in distaste. “A bar in Philadelphia where you are an illiterate janitor.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Dr. Geiszler, I have been researching this universe for nearly 3 months. These people are animals.”

“Is there mass genocide in that universe or something?” 

“No,” Hermann sighs, recollecting all the things he’s seen those 5 people do in the past 3 months. “It’s the owners of the bar. They’re just vile and disgusting.”

“Whatever,” Newt shrugs. “If I can stick my hand in a dead kaiju, I can handle these guys.”

Before Hermann can argue, Raleigh chimes in. He had been waiting for the two to arrive. 

“Talking about kaiju guts, Dr Geiszler?” he inquires playfully. None of the coldness Hermann had received from him a couple days ago. Maybe, Hermann did change Raleigh’s feeling about Newt. “You’re already on the fast track to being back to normal. Good thing, too. PPDC needs more scientists like you.”

Newt nearly wants to cry. It’s the first kind word anyone besides Hermann has said to him in months. 

  
  
  
  
  


Hermann’s invention brings the three of them to a dirty alley-way. There’s nearly 40 rats rotting on the pavement in the hot Philadelphia sun.

“Vile and disgusting,” Hermann murmurs.

Newt grabs a rusty steel rod and pokes at the body of one of them, examining it. He is a biologist at heart after all. 

“There’s no external injuries,” he notes. “They must have died of poisoning.”

“I’m sure that Charles killed them,” Hermann replies, anxious to get away from the pungent smell. “Let’s go inside already.”

“Who is Charles?” Newts asks.

“He’s you.”

  
  
  
  


As they enter the bar, they notice a loud argument going on inside. Though, those arguing seem to pay no attention to them.

“Why are the goddamn rats out in the alley, Charlie?” one of them spits in an exasperated voice. Newt’s eyesight isn’t so great, but he can tell this man is clearly wearing makeup. 

“I don’t know,” a short one yells. Newt’s eyes immediately snap to him. Despite being in obvious need of a shower, he and Newt look  _ exactly  _ the same. “The carbon monoxide in the basement drove them out or something.”

“Why is there carbon monoxide in the basement, Charlie?” a skinny blonde woman yells. 

“You guys wanted me to get rid of the rats, so I got rid of the rats. Okay?!”

“Not with poisonous gas,” she shouts back. The all begin bickering loudly.

“Excuse me,” Hermann attempts to shout over them with no avail.

“Hey, dumb-fucks,” Raleigh yells, grabbing their attention. He leans over and murmurs. “You gotta speak their language, Dr. Gottlieb.”

The group notices Raleigh’s uniform and assumes he’s a military official.

“Dennis did it!” the short stubby one with glasses. 

“I did nothing, you fat troll man!”

They begin bickering again.

“Hey!” Raleigh shouts, becoming increasingly annoyed. “We are here on important and official government business, and we would like a moment of your time.”

He steps aside, revealing Newt who had been hiding behind him the whole time. 

Their eyes go wide. 

“Holy shit,” Dennis breaks the silence. “That guy looks just like Charlie.”

(cue theme music)


	2. The Gang Gets Involved In Shady Government Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to post this fic in shorts so I don't get mentally winded. Expect more soon! (This is dedicated to my drunk best friend who I love very much)

“Can we get you fellas some drinks?” the short stubby one asks, smiling nefariously as he shakes hands with Raleigh.

Dennis grabs him by the elbow.

“Frank, what are you doing?” he hisses in the other’s ear. “We are not giving these jackasses free drinks.”

“Don’t worry,” Frank pulls out a small vial of yellow greenish liquid. “I’ve got a plan!”

“We just heard you, Frank. You can’t poison us,” Hermann sighs, setting his cane against the bar as he climbs onto one of the seats. He feels way too old for this shit.  
Frank pulls his gun from the waist of his pants. 

“How do you know my name?!” he barks like a rabid dog, spitting flying everywhere as he speaks. “Is this about ‘Nam? I was practicing my right as an American businessman!”

“Frank, put the goddamn gun away,” Dennis snaps.

Boredly, Hermann wipes his reading glasses on his sweater. Like usual, Frank would calm down at the orders of the others. Besides, he’s seen the earth split and hellish monsters emerge from a pit in the ocean. This manic little man does not scare him.

“You operated your sweatshop over 25 years ago, Frank,” he deadpans. “Even if we were authorities of the United States government, we would surely be outside of the statute of limitations and it would be out of our jurisdiction.”

Technically, they are authorities of the United States government, but not necessarily in this dimension. Hermann decides it would be best not to muddy the waters.

“Then, why are you here, assholes?” the one in the muscle tee asks.

Both Hermann and Raleigh point to Newt who is studying a spider on the floor.

“Hey guys!” he calls out, oblivious to the conversation. “It’s a Hobo Spider! These are extinct in our….”

He is about to say dimension, but he realizes that might blow their cover. 

“Country..” he trails off, eyes diverting to the entire group staring at him.

“You can say dimension, Newton,” Dr. Gottlieb retorts. 

“He can?!” Raleigh demands in a hushed whisper.

“I have a plan to remedy this when we extract Dr. Geiszler,” he whispers back. “It’s kind of like when American scientists used to gaslight people about UFOs. Who will believe these people anyway? This universe is pretty much fucked.”

“You’re the one with the doctorate,” Raleigh shrugs.

“Ok. Ok. This is getting really weird,” the muscular one claims.

“Wait a second, Mac,” Dennis holds up his hand, signalling silence. He points at Newt. “From what I gather, these people are from an alternate dimension and that man holding the spider is their dimension’s Charlie.”

“Correct,” Hermann answers.

“What the hell do you want us to do with him?!” Mac yells in exasperation.

“Is this a body swapping situation like when we became black?” Charlie asks. “Do I go back with you guys and live this guy's life?”

“Absolutely not!” Dennis yells. “If you leave, who’s gone do all the Charlie work?”

“That guy can do it,” Charlie points to Newt. 

“If you guys are gonna take Charlie, do you maybe have someone I can switch places with?” Dee asks. “I need a vacation.”

“Our dimension is war-torn by interdimensional monsters,” Raleigh responds blankly.

Dee sucks in a breath between her teeth. “Yikes. What’s your situation though? Are you single?”

“My wife died from a kaiju attack last year.”

She winces again.

“Deandra, this guy is way out of your league” Frank mocks her.

“Yeah! You dumb bird!” Mac berates her.

“How was I supposed to know this guy’s wife was dead?!”

“He wouldn’t date you even if his wife wasn’t dead,” Dennis tells her. 

She is about to open her mouth to argue, when Hermann slaps his cane on the bartop.

“Enough!” he rages, calmly down after getting their attention. “I’m sure you clean a good toilet, Charles, but Dr. Geiszler is one of our best scientists. We simply have no use for you. Instead, we are asking that-.”

Angrily, Newt hands Charlie the spider.

“There’s no need to be a condescending dick,” he huffs. As much as he loves Hermann, this was Newt’s biggest pet peeve about him. Anyone without a PhD was automatically beneath him. He fidgets with his glasses to distract him from escalating a fight. He’s sure these people argue all the time, but their words never really cut each other. Herman and his fights were never playful and never in good fun. They were cruel and nasty. “I’m more than glad to hang out in this dimension with Charlie. I mean… I’ve never seen Philly before.”

“Oh shit,” Mac says. “We gotta show this nerd, Philly!”

  
They all start cheering loudly in pride for their city.

Again, Hermann slaps his cane against the bartop.

“That’s all fine and good,” he retorts, pulling a gun from his sweater. “But, I must request that you return Newt to us in the state in which we left him or suffer consequences.”

He pulls the trigger on the gun and a stream of liquid fires out.

“Are you gonna threaten us with a water gun, pussy?” Mac laughs.

“Uhhh… guys,” Charlie mutters, pointing at a spot on the floor where a cockroach is currently dissolving as well as the wood floor. “I don’t think this is water.”

Instantly, Newt knows it’s acid from a kaiju’s digestive tract.


	3. Newt: Vice-President of the Rats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say other than... I can't believe people actually read and like this fic. Thanks to everyone who reads. And, a special thank you to those of you who leave kudos and comments. I wrote substantially more than last time so enjoy!

Solemnly, the three gather in the alley. Hermann opens the portal back to their universe, caked in fire and brimstone. 

“Goodbye, Dr. Geiszler. I want you to know there are no hard feelings, and I truly hope this operation proves successful,” Raleigh shakes the other’s hand, nods to Hermann, then prepares to step through the portal. “I’ll leave you gentlemen alone. See you on the other side, Dr. Gottlieb.”

He waves to the pair before disappearing.

Newt wants to focus solely on Hermann, because who knows how long he’ll be here? But, it’s difficult due to the loud and belligerent arguing coming from his new companions in the bar.

“I don’t know if I should kiss you or shake your hand,” Newt jokes, slightly fearing he may be crossing a line. They haven’t been a  _ thing _ in over 10 years. If he should grovel for anyone’s forgiveness for dabbling in unethical sciences and almost destroying the world, it should be Hermann’s. All the man’s ever done is try to save Newt, and all Newt has done in return is betray him.

“You know how I feel about public displays of affection, Newton,” Hermann scowls, but a small smile creeps up on his face. “Would you perhaps settle for a hug?”

Newt doesn’t respond. He just embraces the other tightly, sneaking a quick kiss on his cheek.

“You better go before you become like these guys,” Newt jokes, pointing to the open door to Paddy’s Pub where they can see Mac doing karate moves and talking about Dolph Lundgren for some reason.

“Oh god,” Hermann bemoans, shuffling to the portal as quickly as possible. “That’s worse than the precursors. If you’re like that when we come back, I just might leave you here.”

Then, he’s gone.

Newt walks back into the bar, and the commotion still has not settled.

“What are you guys fighting about?” Newt asks, reaching over the bar to grab a bottle of rum. Nobody here is going to judge him for it.

“These dickwads haven’t decided what to call you,” Dee replies.

“How about my name?” Newt raises his eyebrow, pouring the liquor.

“Newton?” Mac scoffs. “Obviously not. That’s lame. It makes you sound like a nerd and makes us seem like nerds by association.”

“Nobody calls me Newton besides-”

“Who are you and those guys working for?” Dennis cuts Newt off.

“Pan Pacific Defense Corp?”

“Pacific!” Dennis yells. “That’s it! We’ll call you California Charlie.”

“B-but,” he stumbles, confused over the persistence of these people to come up with an entirely new name for him. The process seems more complex than just calling him by his name. “I wasn’t stationed in California. I was stationed in Hong Kong.”

“You don’t look Chinese,” Frank retorts, chowing down on a whole bucket of fried chicken that definitely wasn’t there when Newt went outside just a second ago. “We can’t call you Chinese Charlie. It’ll confuse people.”

“Calling me any variation of Charlie will confuse people,” Newt argues back.

“Motion to call this guy California Charlie,” Mac offers.

The whole bar raises their hands, including Charlie mopping up a puddle of vomit by the pool table. 

“All who oppose.”

Hesitantly, Newt raises his hand while rolling his eyes.

“Motion passes!”

“Great!” Dennis states. “Now, let’s take California Charlie to the titty bar.”

Newt’s eyes go wide. He doesn’t know if that’s part of the Philadelphia experience or not. Should he tell these people he’s gay to save an awkward and humiliating Tuesday afternoon?

“Wait a minute,” Mac squeaks angrily. “I don’t want to go to the strip club. That’s not fun for me.”

“Or me,” Dee squawks.

“Shut up, Dee. Nobody cares,” Mac berates her.

“As far as I know Mac, you and Dee are the only ones in this bar that aren’t attracted to women,” Dennis pushes back. “This guy is from a war-torn world, and he deserves to see voluptuous women.”

“ _ You  _ and  _ Frank  _ want to see voluptuous women,” Dee says.

“Hell yeah, we do!” Frank shouts. “Everybody that is going to the strip club, let’s GO!”

Charlie sets down his mop to follow them. 

“Not you, buddy,” Dennis halts him. “Somebody’s gotta get rid of those rats.”

“Are you coming, California Charlie?” Frank asks.

“No. I think I’ll stay here and help Charlie dispose of the rats.”

  
  


To Newt’s amazement, Charlie begins picking up the rats with his bare hands which impresses and entertains Newt at the same time. The sight of it might have made Hermann vomit. At least, he had that in common with Charlie. They were not squeamish.

“Don’t you have any gloves, Charlie?” he asks, squatting down to help Newt toss the rats into the cardboard box. It’s not exactly how he would dispose of biological material, but who was he to judge? If Charlie can have this kind of frequent contact with dead animals and not succumb to disease, he just might be superhuman.

“Don’t need them,” he claims briefly. “What should we do with these? I was thinking maybe we could cook them up and-”

“ _ I’m sorry, _ ” Newt cuts him off, wide eyed and mouth agape. “Are you suggesting that we eat these rats?”

“Yeah. Rats are a great source of protein.”

The fact that Charlie is even alive baffles Newt. 

“No, Charlie,” Newt replies gently, trying not to be harsh. “You cannot eat these rats or any rats for that matter. Not only did these rats die from poisoning, they probably carry diseases.”

“So, what do you want to do with all these rats?”

“I have an idea.”

Newt pulls out his cellphone and looks up the number for Philadelphia’s animal control. In Hong Kong, PPDC had lots of rats that tried to get into the shatterdome either for the cafeteria food or the kaiju parts stored in Newt’s lab. They would just call Hong Kong’s animal control to take care of it.

“Philadelphia Animal Control, how may I help you?”

“Hello, I’m trying to clean up a colony of dead rats. If they stay where they are any longer, it might become a public health issue.”

“Where’s your location, sir?”

“Paddy’s Pub, on the corner of-”

Suddenly, there's a disconnect tone. 

“She hung up on me,” Newt breathes in confusion.

“Oh, yeah. Animal Control hates us, dude,” Charlie explains. “This area is where they pick up the most rabies cases.”

“Ok, there’s another reason that you should not eat those rats.”

“Let’s just go ask Cricket. He used to work for Animal Control.”

Only a few hours ago, Newt was sealed in a padlocked cell for commandeering a mass attack of monsters on humanity. Now, he’s walking along the train track in Philadelphia with a cardboard box of dead rats and looking for a man named Cricket.

“So, what did you do, man?” Charlie asks, also carrying a cardboard box of dead rats. “It must have been bad for them to dump you off with us.”

Newt sighs. A train car passes.

“I was a xenobiologist,” he begins to explain, but notices Charlie’s confused face. “It means that I essentially studied monsters. Does your universe have Godzilla?”

Charlie nods.

“That’s basically what my universe was like. Anyway, I-”

“What are you doing here?!” a disfigured man cuts him off. Newt recognizes that he’s severely burnt on the right side of his face. “Who is this asshole?”

“This is my cousin,” Charlie lies. “He’s from Hong Kong or something.”

“Weird. He doesn’t look Chinese.”

“That’s what Frank said!”

They start to chat a little.

“Hey, Charlie!” Newt interrupts them. “This box is starting to smell really bad.”

“Oh, yeah!” he remembers. “We need a place to dump these rats.”

“Preferably somewhere where we can incinerate them.”

“There’s a huge homeless population on the southeast side of the Schuylkill river,” Cricket tells them. “They usually have trash can fires.”

  
  


“I’m a expert in bird law, you know?” Charlies says, as they cross the streets of Philadelphia. They garner strange looks for the odor surrounding them and the strange dark wet spots on their cardboard boxes.

“Yeah?”

“I almost won a case once, but the judge dismissed it.”

“What kind of bird is that?” he asks, pointing at a small gray bird perched in the tree above him.

“Dark-eyed junco.”

Newt doesn’t understand why everyone treats Charlie like he’s stupid. It seems more like he’s eccentric and strange. It’s almost as if he has zero common sense, but an odd sense of intuition.

He’s about to point at another bird, when Charlie stops them dead in their tracks in front of a short blonde woman. Newt  _ swears _ he’s seen her face somewhere before.

“God, Charlie,” the woman complains, holding her nose. “What is that smell?”

“It’s some rats that I’m going to dump into the river. How are you today? Has that new shampoo been helping with your scalp issue?”

“We are  _ not  _ dumping them in the river, Charlie,” Newt clarifies.

Her eyes flicker over to Newt, and her cold demeanor immediately softens. Newt notices her obviously staring at his tattoos like a blushing school girl. He wants to be embarrassed for her. 

“Who is this?” she beams at Newt, practically ignoring Charlie’s presence.

“I’m Charlie’s cousin,” Newt answers indifferently. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have important matters to tend to.”

He walks off with a frustrated Charlie following in tow.

“What are you doing, dude?” he whines. “That’s the waitress!”

If Newt had been here longer than 5 hours, he’s sure he would know what that means.

“She’s like... the love of my life,” Charlie blushes like a kid with a crush. 

The least Newt could say for isolation in prison was that he was never placed in an awkward situation like this. 


	4. Mac and Dennis Try to Break Charlie's Spirit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!

After spending a good portion of his day walking around Philadelphia, Newt has realized that he’s grown a little too accustomed to being sedentary… what with spending all his time in his lab but also being arrested in solitary confinement for over a year and all. 

He and Charlie arrive back at Paddy’s Pub.

“Dude!” Mac proclaims in disgust, plugging his nose as soon as the pair walk in the door. “What the fuck is that smell?”

“You guys smell like the bottom of a boat, and it’s putrid,” Dennis scolds. “I don’t want it in the bar.”

“So we went to Cricket’s hobo jungle to burn the rats, right?” Charlie explains. “And, they started throwing fish guts at us! For no good reason! If you ask me, they’re wasting perfectly good fish guts.”

“Actually, Charlie,” Newt begins to correct. “They threw fish guts at us, because we burned 40 dead rats in their trash can fires and stunk up the place for at least a 1 mile radius.”

Before anyone can speak, Frank bursts in.

“Charlie! Charlie! You gotta come with me! I found a box of snakes under the bridge.”

“Sweet!” he turns to Newt. “You wanna come, man?”

“No,” he says, sitting down on the booth farthest from Dennis and Mac so as to not be rude. “As much as I love a good snake, I don’t really wanna walk anymore. Go have fun with your snakes.”

Without hesitation, Frank and Charlie take Newt’s blessing and leave. Dennis and Mac have gone back to debating whatever pointless argument. 

“Hey, what do you guys know about the waitress?” Newt interrupts. Their eyes both snap to him. Dennis looks slightly intrigued.

“The waitress?” Mac scoffs. “That chick is the worst ever.”

“I’ve banged her. Frank banged her. Mac almost banged her. Charlie’s been in love with her for like 15 years, and she still won’t bang him. It’s kind of sad,” Dennis informs, leaning over the counter coyly and deviously. “I have a more important question. How do you know about the waitress?”

“We ran into her on the way to dump the rats,” he responds, remembering the uncomfortable feeling he felt under her wide-eyed gaze. “I think maybe she was hitting on me?”

Dennis’ eyebrow arches in titillation.

“Don’t tell Charlie that though!” Newt rushes, fidgeting with his glasses. “I don’t think he even realized, and I really don’t want him to be upset with me.”

“We would never,” Dennis smirks, reaching into his pocket for something. “How about you go to Mac and I’s apartment and take a shower? Maybe wash your clothes?”

If Dennis had said this to Hermann, he would clearly understand something is afoot. For someone with so much college education, Newt was never great at reading people.

“Thanks, man! I really owe you guys one!”

“Oh yes you do,” Dennis purrs and types the address into Newt’s phone. Newt leaves.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Mac demands. “He’s going to get fish guts all over our apartment.”

“I have a plan,” he claims. “What’s Charlie’s biggest distraction from Charlie Work?”

“Weird things under the bridge?”

“No! You fool!” Dennis admonishes. “The waitress… California Charlie is just a more attractive and smarter version of Charlie, right?”

“His tattoos are pretty fucking awesome, but not as cool as my tribal tattoos!”

“You got a 50 dollar tattoo when you were 20 years old,” Dennis mocks. “And, that is besides the point, Mac! If we can show Charlie that the waitress is just fundamentally not attracted to him as a person, then we can finally break him of this waitress thing and get him to focus on Charlie Work.”

“Seems kind of harsh, dude. What if we don’t break him, and he just ends up going psycho and attacking California Charlie?”

“We’ll deal with that scenario, if it happens. Besides, there are no records of him in this universe, so we couldn’t be charged with any crime.”

“So, what are we going to do?”

“ _ I’m  _ going to call the waitress over to our apartment. You can do whatever the hell you want.”

  
  
  
  


Newt has just stepped out of the shower. He walks across the apartment to the dryer with a towel wrapped around his waist. Unbeknownst to him, Dennis and Mac watch him using Dennis’ many hidden cameras.

“Did you see the shower cam?!” Mac shouts. “Charlie has no chance, man.”

“I took a peek, but unlike you, I’m not trying to stare at naked men.”

“Are you being homophobic?”

“How is that homophobic?! I’m just not looking at dicks.”

Newt barely slips on his boxers and button-up shirt, when there is a knock on the door. 

“Shut up, Mac! It’s showtime!”

Intially, Newt is confused if he should even answer it. He  _ is _ half naked in an apartment that isn’t his. But, the knocking turns into furious pounding. He probably can’t just wait until they go away.

He opens the door, and lo and behold, the waitress is standing there with her arms crossed completely red in the face.

“Where is it, Denn-?!” her voice trails as she realizes the person behind the door isn’t Dennis, but instead, Charlie’s hot new cousin that has randomly popped into existence.

“Oh, Newt,” she instantly turns into a giddy school girl, only short of twirling her hair. Her eyes raked over Newt’s body. His shirt is only partially buttoned, revealing part of his tattooed chest. “I didn’t know you would be here.”

“Well, it turns out that when homeless people fling fish guts at you, you have to take a shower after.”

She laughs like it's the funniest thing she has ever heard.

“If Charlie had said that, she would have berated him for 5 minutes,” Mac points out.

“So, can I come inside?” she asks hopefully.

“Sorry, not right now,” Newt flounders for a flimsy excuse. “There’s fish guts all over the apartment.”

“I told you, Dennis! He got fish guts all over our apartment!”

“There aren’t actual fish guts, idiot! It’s an excuse. He seems to be deflecting her advances… hard.”

“Won’t that ruin the plan?”

“Not exactly. We just need to know that she’s attracted to California Charlie for the same qualities that she finds repulsive in him.”

The waitress doesn’t let up.

“So, where are you from?” 

“Germany,” Newt answers.

Her face lights up in awe, as if it was an accomplishment to be from a country that’s not America.

“Can you speak German?”

Newt sighs internally. It’s the party trick that all Americans love. If you can speak another language, you’re on the same level as some guy who can do card tricks. 

“Ich habe sechs Doktortitel und du siehst mich an, als wäre ich ein Hund, der Backflips macht. Außerdem machst du mich sehr unwohl,” he retorts bluntly. ( _ I have six doctorate degrees, and you're looking at me like I'm a dog doing backflips. Furthermore, you make me very uncomfortable _ .)

“Woooow,” she coos. “I wish Charlie were more like you.”

“I don’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must clean up my mess.”

As Charlie shuts the door, Dennis hits the ‘stop recording’ button. “That’s a wrap.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plugged that one German sentence into Google translate so I sincerely apologize to anyone who is a native German speaker if I've butchered your language :")


	5. Newt: Out Of Mac's League

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a meme of newt @ the waitress: https://zillanewt.tumblr.com/post/614984477078421504. Please continue to enjoy and leave kudos and comoments! This chapter is a little shorter but more is on the way!

Mac and Dennis sit at the bar hunched over a laptop, downloading their footage to a flash drive.  
  


“What are you dick bags doing?” Dee asks, walking in from the back door.  
  


“Using the waitress’ slutiness to break Charlie,” Mac answers.  
  


She looks over their shoulders.   
  


“Is California Charlie naked in your apartment?”  
  


“Yes,” Dennis smugly responds. “And, apparently, the waitress is attracted to him.”

“Isn’t she attracted to literally everyone but Charlie though?”

“That is our point, exactly,” Dennis points out. “If she sees that she’s attracted to a man who is essentially him but smarter and cooler, then maybe he will realize that he will never have a chance with her. Then, he’ll have more time to focus on getting rid of that smell that’s coming from the vents.”

“So let me get this straight,” she says, scowling at them in judgement. “You’re using California Charlie, a man that we barely know, to devastate Charlie?”

“Do you want to get into the vents and get rid of that smell?”

“Of course not! I’d rather die than do Charlie work.”

“Then, just play along, you bitch.”

Suddenly, the door bursts open. A frazzled and nervous Newt rushes in.  
  


“Hey, so the waitress was looking for you at your apartment.”  
  


“Was she?” Dennis feigns ignorance. “I’m so sorry, bud. I told her yesterday to come by and get something from me. It totally slipped my mind.”

“It’s okay,” Newt unknowingly accepts his fake apology. “Can I have a beer, Dee?”

“Get your own-” she begins to protest.  
  


“Get the man a beer, bird!” Dennis interrupts.  
  


She rolls her eyes, slamming a bottle of Budweiser and the bottle opener onto the bar.  
  


“Was she hitting on you again?” Dennis fakes sympathy.  
  


“Yeah,” he huffs. “It was so weird. She was mad at you, I suppose, but when I answered the door, she completely changed. She was asking me to come in and where I was from. I don’t even know.”

“Where are you from?” Dee asks, genuinely out of curiosity. Dennis and Mac obviously didn’t need to ask.  
  


“Germany.”

“Dennis and Dee’s grandpa is a Nazi, so maybe you guys have that in common,” Mac inserts without thinking.  
  


Newt’s eyes go wide. He doesn’t even know what to say to that.  
  


“Not that you’re a Nazi!” Mac quickly remedies. “But, that your grandfather was probably also a Nazi.”

“Mac, stop talking,” Dee rubs her forehead in annoyance.  
  


“Did you let the waitress in?” Dennis quickly changes the subject. Like Dee, he is also annoyed, but not for the same reason. Mac is distracting from the plan.  
  


“No. She weirds me the fuck out.”

“Are you sure that isn’t just guilt that you’re attracted to her when you know how Charlie feels?” Dennis tries to regain control.  
  


“No. That’s impossible. I’m gay,” he responds without even thinking.  
  


Mac’s head perks up in interest. Not interest in Newt as a potential sexual partner, but in concern for what would happen if they brought another gay into the mixture.   
  


Dee and Dennis stand in awkward silence.  
  


“Never would have expected it,” Dee says.  
  


“Yeah, me neither,” Dennis agrees. “That’s cool, bud. We’re all cool here. Mac’s gay, and we don’t give a shit.”  
  


“I’m sure that you straighties expect me to have sex with California Charlie, because we’re both gay,” Mac claims, causing Newt’s mouth to draw in pure shock.   
  


“No, that’s not what we were thinking at all,” Dee and Dennis say at the same time.  
  


“Good, because he’s totally not my type. Too much of a twink,” Mac defends

“Mac,” Dee sighs, pointing at Newt. “This guy is  _ wayyyyy  _ out of your league.”  
  


“I agree with Dee,” Dennis concedes.  
  


“I’ve kinda got a thing with someone from my PPDC unit anyway,” Newt comments.  
  


“Was it the ripped guy we met? Because, I’d understand if it was the ripped guy,” Mac retorts.  
  


“No, actually,” he replies, fidgeting with his glasses and thinking of all the late-nights with Hermann in their lab. “It’s the other one.”

“That nerd?!” Mac demands, putting his hands on his hips. “I’m out of your league, but the nerd is not?!”  
  


“Listen, I didn’t say it. Your friends did,” Newt calls attention.  
  


“Is it true though?” Mac winces.  
  


“A little bit.”

“Goddamnit! I can’t believe I’m losing to a nerd!”

“Hey, Mac!” Dennis hisses through his teeth. “Don’t you remember how this was about the waitress?”  
  


“I don’t care about the waitress anymore, dude. I’m going to go find Charlie.”  
  


“Fine, leave! We don’t need you, you insecure little man!” Dennis barks, calmly turning to Newt after Mac is gone. “So, you’re from Europe?”

“Well, I left at-”

“What’s the sex scene like over there?”

“I don’t really know, because I left Berlin when I was 15.”

“15 is old enough.”

Newt’s eyes go wide again. This whole day, he has not been able to process these people’s behavior. He’s never met such an audacious bunch.  
  


“That sounded wrong. I do _not_ have sex with 15 year olds. What I mean is I had sex at  15\. Lots of people have sex at 15.”

“The school librarian took advantage of him,” Dee mentions, as she wipes down a glass. “She looked like Rick Moranis.”  
  


“She did  _ not  _ look like Rick Moranis, and it was a mutual thing. How many times do I have to say that Dee?!”

“I’m just gonna go follow Mac,” Newt gestures to the door. “I want to go to that bridge and see the snakes. This has been an incredibly odd day for me. And, I’ve seen monsters emerge from the ocean. Just please don’t tell Charlie about the waitress.”

“Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I did?” Dennis smiles slyly. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! I took a short break from this fic to focus on finals, and now my best friend and I will be moving soon. I'm going to update as soon as possible, but I appreciate the patience :) thank you guys


	6. Mac Gets Served

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've risen from the dead! Sorry i've been gone so long. Enjoy

“Guy, guys, guys!” Mac bursts into Charlie and Frank’s apartment. “I’ve got some news. Some terrible news.”

Frank and Charlie’s arms are spanned wide and wrapped in garden snakes.

Mac halts, “You two look like goddamn cartoon characters.”

“You’re just jealous, because you don’t have any snakes,” Charlie claims.

“Why the hell would I want snakes, Charlie? They’re stupid and slithery and shaped like dicks,” he replies. Frank and Charlie’s eyebrows raise when he says ‘dicks.’ “Whatever, none of this matters. Get this… California Charlie is gay, but he doesn’t want to bang me.”

There’s a long pause of indifference from Frank and Charlie. 

“He’s way out of your league,” Frank speaks up. 

“Yeah, dude,” Charlie agrees. “Also, isn’t it homophobic to assume every dude wants to sleep with you, because you’re gay?”

“No, Charlie,” Mac scoffs. “I can’t be homophobic, because I’m gay.”

“Why do you want to sleep with someone who looks exactly like me?!” he demands.

“Charlie, c’mon…. California Charlie is waaay cooler than you.”

“But, we still have the exact same body, bro! Are you saying you want to sleep with  _ me? _ ”

“Now, you’re making assumptions, and that’s homophobic!”

  
“This is all weird as hell, no matter how you look at it,” Frank chimes in from the couch, feeding a boiled egg to his snakes.

“Why should we care that Newt isn’t attracted to you?” Charlie asks.

“Because, Dennis is planning a scheme involving the waitress, and I’ll tell you what it is if you’ll help me.”

Charlie holds his breath as soon as he hears ‘waitress.’

“Yeah, whatever,” he concedes.

Mac cheers. 

“You know how incredibly fucked up this is, right?” Charlie murmurs.

There’s a ring from Mac’s cellphone.

“Yeah, Dennis?” he answers, grinning from ear to ear as he informs him that California Charlie is on the way to the apartment. “Thanks.”

He hangs up. “I have the perfect plan.”

  
  


When Newt finally finds Charlie’s apartment based on directions that he asked Dennis to send him, there’s just a note pinned to the door with a knife. There are scribbles of drawings that Newt assumes are Charlie’s. Under the drawings, there’s legible English.

“Went to Tribute dinner with Charlie at Guigino’s. Meet us there - Frank”

Behind the note were vague directions.

Newt’s not sure if he has the stamina for all of this.

  
  


When Newt arrives at the restaurant, he realizes what kind of establishment it is. He would almost feel underdressed in his leather jacket and skinny jeans, if this weren’t his dimension and nothing he did here really matter. The maitre’d takes in his outfit and sweaty composure and audibly scoffs. If this is what Philly is like, Newt isn’t sure he cares much for it.

“Party of one, sir?”

“Actually, I’m meeting somebody here.”

With an eye roll, the host walks away.

He walks through the rows of tables, looking for himself oddly enough. Instead, he finds Mac sitting at a table by himself. He is wearing a button-up instead of the muscle tank from earlier. Not realizing the scheme in play, Newt approaches him.

“Have you seen Frank and Charlie?”

“They left already, but they were gracious enough to give us their table.”

“Uh huh,” Newt huffs suspiciously, taking a seat because he was too tired to just leave. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with what I said at the bar earlier.”

“No, of course not,” Mac laughs nervously. He wears a smirk and quirked eyebrow that in his mind is sexy. It is not. “Unless, you want it to be.”

“Hmmmm,” Newt hums, grabbing a breadstick from the basket. One of his many PhD’s was in psychology. It’s what gave him clarity in the apocalypse. “Why do you want to sleep with me so bad?”

“Well that’s easy,” he scoffs, leaning over the table. “I’m hot, and you’re hot. It’s just natural.”

“Mhmm,” he replies, taking a bite of his breadstick. “I’m not buying what you’re selling. Why do you really want to sleep with me?”

Mac laughs, not wanting to answer the question. 

Newt waits.

“Because, it makes me upset that I’m out of your league, but a nerd is not.”

“Have you ever considered that attraction and sexuality aren’t mutually exclusive?”

Mac looks confused.

“Listen, Mac,” Newt places his hand over Mac’s, like they’re breaking up at a nice restaurant. “I’ve only met you…” Newt checks a non-existent watch. “Today. I don’t know anything about your background, but I already know you’re insecure. Have you just recently come out of the closet?”

“I don’t see why that matters.”

“It matters a great deal more than you think. You were probably used to rejection and being second-choice to women even as a straight man. When you came out, you expected to no longer encounter any roadblocks, since your biggest roadblock– being in the closet– was gone.”

Mac was wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

The waiter comes up to their table.

“Would you gentlemen like to order?”

“No, thanks,” Newt gets up to leave. 

A man in a blonde wig sitting behind Mac turns.

“Damn, you just got served,” Frank says, curls flowing in his face as he still chows down spaghetti.

“Will you tell me Dennis’ scheme now?” Charlie demands, wearing a Groucho Marx mustache and oversized suit.

“No, I didn’t get anything out of the deal,” Mac storms off.

Watching from his lab, Hermann laughs at Mac’s failure.


End file.
